Family trips get on your nerves? Psychologist offers a list of tips

By Bella English, Globe Staff, 7/13/2003

		All Along  Destinations  Get in gear  Going Strong  Outbound  Real deals  Sensible traveler  Taking Off  Where they went

To some, the term "family vacation" is a contradiction in terms. When our children were babies and toddlers and the stress level was high, my husband used to threaten to give his vacation time back to his company. He was kidding, I think.

Others of us live for our family vacations. We forget the endless car trips with the kids asking, as we are pulling out of the driveway, "Are we there yet?" We forget the half-mile traffic backups, the overpriced hotel rooms, the mediocre food. We're just happy to be away.

After an endless New England winter, we're heading into the peak of summer travel time. We've done the logistics. Our suitcases are packed, our lists checked: bug spray, sunscreen, passports, swimsuits, sneakers, paperbacks, kid paraphernalia.

But what about the psychic checklist? That trip you've been planning for six months can become a huge disappointment if the vacation vibe isn't good. It's smart to expect the unexpected. Put another way, hope for the best, but be prepared for calamities -- bad weather, trips to the emergency room, towed cars, family meltdowns.

Don MacMannis, a family psychologist who is also music director for the PBS children's series, "Jay Jay and the Jet Plane," has drawn up a survival list for family vacations. With two children, he's a battle-scarred veteran of many such trips. He recalls one vacation where someone lost the car keys -- in Niagara Falls. Another time, a dune-buggy ride on the beach ended after approximately five minutes when his son split his eye open, requiring 15 stitches.

To MacMannis, the main reason for a family vacation is not a particular destination, but a frame of mind. "Remember the big picture," he says. "You're really on a few different trips. There's the trip on the outside, but also what you're feeling inside. Ask yourself, `What am I experiencing as an individual? What are we all experiencing together?' "

Family vacations are also a good time for "life's lessons." First, your kids are a captive audience. (Or is it parents who are the captives?) Second, as wonderful as your trip is, something is bound to go wrong. Families who can teach their children to live in the moment and make the best out of whatever occurs, the good and the bad, optimize their vacations, MacMannis says.

Another tip, gleaned from experience: Don't just drag your kids from historical site to historical site. My husband still shudders at the memory of one such family "vacation" totally controlled by his father -- who of course was the only one who enjoyed it. Make your children part of the planning process. In our family, on a weeklong vacation, each of us gets to pick an activity of the day. Warning: This could mean, if you have a 10-year-old son, ending up at the town basketball court.

A big pitfall for vacations, says MacMannis, is being too permissive. Letting young children stay up too late or taking them to inappropriate places is a recipe for disaster. Sleep-deprived youngsters are not a pretty sight -- or sound. In fact, MacMannis is a big believer in "adult time," or parents taking time for themselves. This is the trickle-down theory of parenting: What's good for the parent is good for the child.

With older children, this is easy: Order a pizza and a movie, and they're all set. With younger ones, it's tougher. If your vacation spot does not offer reputable sitters, it may be time to "tag-team," or split up. Dad can take the child who wants to go mini-golfing, while Mom takes the sibling to the movies. Better yet, one parent can take both, or all, while the other one gets some solo time, and then switch off. There's no need for the entire family to suffer through a shopping spree, say.

"If the parents aren't taking care of their own needs, they can't take care of their kids' needs," says MacMannis, whose CD/book, "A Pocket of Tunes," won the 2003 Best Children's Vacation Product Award.

For single parents, alone time may be harder to find, but insist on it -- even if it's just for a walk around the block, a session with your earphones, a bubble bath, or quiet reading time. (It won't kill your child to be "plugged in" for a while.) "We don't all have to be together all the time," says MacMannis. "That's not natural and normal. And it's really a stupid rule that will ruin a vacation."

A few practical tips: Take along diversionary materials, such as CDs, children's books, puzzles, playing cards, and even the dreaded Gameboy. Generally, toddlers are the most difficult on airplanes; babies and older children fare better. When you go out for a meal, frequent family-style restaurants: Who wants to pay big bucks for a nice dinner that has to be choked down because your 2-year-old is having a tantrum? If your child is older and asks to take a friend along, make sure you know the friend well; the idea is to lighten your workload, not increase it. . . .

If things get really stressful on your family vacation, there's a new product on the market. It's called Rescue Remedy Spray, and its makers describe it as "a natural stress reliever" free of side effects. A couple of sprays on the tongue supposedly ease stress. According to the press release from the manufacturer, Nelson Bach USA, you should "keep it handy for those long summer road trips. . . . You will find yourself able to actually enjoy relatives, friends, and family as you deal with traffic and travel with calm." It's available in health food stores and supermarkets. I think I'll try a couple of shots before I hit the court (see "10-year-old son," above).

Bella English can be reached at english@globe.com. All Along, her column on family travel, appears the second Sunday of the month.